A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
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Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes