A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
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I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?