A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
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I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location