A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
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My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness