A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
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7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.