Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.