a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
You Might Also Like
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.