a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
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Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year