a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
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3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.