a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
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I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
A classic…
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]