a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
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It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Sticker placement is key.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen