a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
You Might Also Like
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
No, I don’t think I will.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”