Great game to play with friends
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WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
2022 be like
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
best review i’ve ever seen
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning