Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common

MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”