A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
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Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich