The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
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I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”