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@pauleggleston: A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
@squirrel74wkgn: [tarot card reading]
You will be a King
And find a beautiful queen
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE
Customer: ...is that a regular deck of cards?
@AtticusFinch79: Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That's an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I'm flying United today.
Him: Don't forget your helmet.
@OctopusCaveman: Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
@shutupmikeginn: Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
@RussBland: [JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?
ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*