A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
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You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*