Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

Auto correct is my worst enema.

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.