A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
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The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”