A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
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So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.