Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

There is no “we” in pizza

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot