Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

ㅤ

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there