A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
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[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Who called it baking and not making love
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding