A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
You Might Also Like
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.