A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
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Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos
Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics