A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
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I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
hackers play passwordle
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism