A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
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Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
23. the denim jacket
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.