Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

“Great, now I have to pee.”

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.