Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

The biggest mystery of our time

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

New menu item

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.