Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.