Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.

I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

smartest karate player in the world

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.