Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

umm…

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

If you want my opinion ask my wife

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.