Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

So that’s what we looked like?

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire