Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

Customer is always right

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.