A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
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Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*