A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
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Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer