A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
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Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
Important
selfie game
