A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
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ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels