A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
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manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
crazy
