A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
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Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.