A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
You Might Also Like
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.