Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.