A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
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Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.