Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
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I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff