Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things