*walks into the hottest restaurant w/out a reservation*
We’re fully booked
“Ahem, I’m Yelp reviewer TURDBONER69”
Sorry sir right this way
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
You Might Also Like
me: *pulling the covers up* five more minutes
nurse: sir if we don’t use the defibrillator now your heart will stop for good
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Don’t leave the milk out overnight.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*