A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
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Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
best first i’ve ever seen
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.