@AndyAsAdjective

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

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@arandomhim

*walks into the hottest restaurant w/out a reservation*
We’re fully booked
“Ahem, I’m Yelp reviewer TURDBONER69”
Sorry sir right this way

@captainkalvis

me: *pulling the covers up* five more minutes

nurse: sir if we don’t use the defibrillator now your heart will stop for good

@ArfMeasures

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

@chimneyspotter

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

@HenpeckedHal

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

@pmann555

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

@plsfindmeagf

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

@sixfootcandy

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*