A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
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I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”