Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

Never forget.

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

My favorite female superhero

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”