A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
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Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.