A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
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Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.