Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”