Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

Would you wear it?

This is a true ally.

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

I had to Stop for this

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download