A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
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This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Rooting for the overdog
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Does it…does it take 3 days
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.