A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
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leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
one last job
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?