Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?