A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
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Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I’m a self-made hundredaire
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Think I pulled my liver
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs