A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

BARNES: “What if it wasn’t just empty cabinets?”
NOBLE: “Let’s sell books!”
AND: “This is why we make such a great team.”

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

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