@alldrolledup

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

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@SamGrittner

BARNES: “What if it wasn’t just empty cabinets?”
NOBLE: “Let’s sell books!”
AND: “This is why we make such a great team.”

@iamburtjarvis

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

@AmericanGent69

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

@ChrisStephensMD

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

@ByrdMan0914

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

@ashleycrem

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

@junejuly12

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

@neerjagurnani

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

@SissiSay

Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.