A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
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My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
this site is so cooked lol
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]