Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

Mmmm canned fish.

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.