A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
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Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him