Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

gm

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana