A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
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Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.