A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
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her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.