Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is