A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
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Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
How do you like your Corgi?
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Buck naked
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
genius
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy