Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

I hope this email finds you in a well

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?