Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true