A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
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Me driving through Toronto
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
How to properly lift a body
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]