Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

Planet of the Apps.

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy