A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
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You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
👾👾👾
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My therapist after every session
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
My neck, my back, my…
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING