Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

White Castle for the Win

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”