Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

Seals are just dog mermaids.

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.