A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
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*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!