Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

ME: *exists*

KID: that’s not how mommy does it

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made