a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
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Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
