[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
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HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Owl Sanctuary
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?